Caroline County does not currently have a Buffalo Wild Wings — but it should. B-Dubs, as it is affectionately known to loyal enthusiasts around the country, is the Dollar General of restaurants. I of course mean that in the most complimentary of ways. Both companies see a vacant lot or storefront and immediately exploit it. It is a real tragedy then that local wing aficionados are forced to drive over to Dover, down to Salisbury, fight Rehoboth beach traffic, or [gasp] cross the Bay Bridge to Annapolis in order to satisfy their cravings. I must note that there are at least three BWW locations in northern Delaware now but no legitimate Caroline Countian would ever even consider that option so it is a moot point.

I fully acknowledge as part of my quixotic cuisine quest that the Buffalo Wild Wings corporate team has for the longest time set restrictions on where a franchise may operate. Believe me, I followed the chain of command right to the top to discover that their business model calls for restaurants in high-density areas already frequented by people with disposable entertainment income: movieplexes, shopping malls, and major sports venues in particular. We have none of those. After franchisees have proven themselves successful in their initial locations, however, they are allowed to try one outside of the mold — and that is where we come in. Caroline County is bisected by Route 404, a major artery for beach traffic a majority of the year. The Denton Plaza is rapidly expanding; perhaps one of the smaller versions would work there.

Why do I care? For whatever reason, I have dined at over 50 different BWW locations in eighteen states. I did not set out for that to be a completion-oriented goal of mine; it has just happened. You know that I am a fan of national parks. At the end of a grueling day hiking, driving, and correcting rangers, nothing hits the spot more than the Buffalo Wild Wings menu. I typically do not stop for lunch on road trips, so I tend to gobble up as much as is humanly possible: order of tots, order of boneless, and water with enough lemons to prevent scurvy for life in one sitting.

Bar trivia is also a draw. While most B-Dubs now have their own in-house game on the screens when live sports are not being broadcast, many used to feature something called Buzztime. For the uninitiated, Buzztime provides restaurants with a videogame controller of sorts that allows contestants to compete by pressing a button for the correct answer; players score maximum points for answering quickly and accurately versus not just those playing there but networked around the country in real-time leaderboard standings. You know me and competition; I was hooked from the first time I played, which of course was a victory in Hanover, Pennsylvania, of all places — and that particular restaurant even let winners say a few words of triumph on the house microphone, so you know I quickly improvised some heel promo original to the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. At the height of my obsession, or my lowest point (your call), I went to the same Applebee’s location three times in one day, with three different people, to demonstrate my cerebral dominance over the masses. I have earned perfect scores multiple times and first place nationally several more times beyond that, but the real winner is the restaurants because players stay there eating and drinking for hours while they compete. No wonder I weighed 40 pounds more the year I discovered Buzztime than I do now.

If a Buffalo Wild Wings with all its bells and whistles came to Denton, I would most definitely be the first customer in line. How can I be so sure? Well, I was the first ever patron of the one in Annapolis and also the Arundel Mills Mall. Why? I was hungry, but also I wanted to see if that earned me any special accolades. It did not — no crown, no press release, no gift certificate, not even a picture on the wall — but those two “accomplishments” are worn as feathers in my cap nonetheless.

Do I have wild and crazy stories about visits to far-flung BWWs? Maybe a few. I was in Charlotte visiting NASCAR race shops in 2010, the year of the South Africa soccer World Cup. Since the games were being played almost literally halfway around the world, what was prime time there was morning here. Not wanting to be left out of the hype, the downtown Charlotte Buffalo Wild Wings decided to entice customers to watch the World Cup there by offering an all you can eat menu — and not traditional breakfast food either. I am talking buffet-style hot wings at 9AM. The USA won their game against Algeria, though my gastrointestinal system was undoubtedly the loser; I was sluggish and reeked of hot sauce blue cheese-lathered chicken for the rest of the week. Totally worth it.

I was in Montana five years later and needed to cover a tremendous amount of ground in order to be in position for the next scheduled National Park Service unit by the morning. So I stopped at the B-Dubs in Bozeman and started pounding drinks in the style of Beth Dutton. I got where I needed to go that night, largely because I physically could not close my eyes from all of the diet soda caffeine.

Milwaukee was an experience. Their BWW was unlike any I have patronized before or since. All of the other locations, a total of 54 to date, were traditional sit-down establishments. Not this one. Customers stood in line to order at the front and were given a buzzer that vibrated when the meals were ready. We took a seat and raised a hand when ours went off. A waitress then brought the food and served drinks for the rest of the visit. I to this day have no clue why the restaurant operated in this fashion, but I enjoyed the wings and also teaching tough life lessons in Buzztime without passing judgment.

There’s much more I could share if not for the code of the road. I’m looking at you, Burleson, Texas; and Carlsbad, New Mexico; and Chattanooga, Tennessee; and Blacksburg, Virginia; and Omaha, Nebraska; and….maybe one day, Denton, Maryland.

On that note I will close with this. Back in 2008 I stayed a few nights in the Minneapolis area. My hotel was on Wayzata Boulevard. I found out years later that the corporate headquarters of Buffalo Wild Wings is on that street as well. Had I known at the time, I would have stopped in for a photo op, but I still think it is strange that to this day they do not operate a restaurant in that same neighborhood. I have made a habit as a contributor to the Caroline Review for the last seven years to offer history, cultural, and economic development ideas when the townspeople who run the relevant organizations too closely guard their sandbox to entertain an original idea, so I will try one last time to point out that there is ample room for a BWW franchise location in urban Minnesota if you decide that an economically-depressed county of 33,000 in rural Maryland lacks the base to generate sufficient revenue to turn a profit. I expect 10% commission if you follow through in either Denton or Minneapolis; same for if heritage tourism ever takes off in Caroline County. Guess we’ll see, but you know who to contact should you need the right consultant.