January 14, 2024 marks the 40th anniversary of my marriage celebration. We were married at Christ Episcopal Church in Denton and received all of our friends and family members at the Caroline Country Club shortly thereafter. Loretta was stunning in her beautiful wedding dress, and I’ve never looked sharper. We memorized and passionately delivered our vows without prompting from Father Cliff and privately committed that divorce would never be an option for us. It was a powerful, life changing experience, and yet, surpassed many years later by the look on my son’s face after his first glimpse of soon to be wife, Becky, when she began to walk down the aisle. Thankfully, the photographer captured the moment.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, unique in many ways. Our Wedding Day is probably the one event in our lives most often yearned for, and later described as the “most memorable day of my life.” We tend to become husbands and wives with few reservations because the joy of sharing our hopes, dreams and lives with such a special person far outweighs any fear associated with commitment and compromise. We enjoy “showing off” our new treasure and beam whenever anyone asks how we are enjoying “married life.” How is it then that nearly half of these “Blessed Unions” end in the most distasteful and painful fashion? It’s not on purpose… What causes the honeymoon to end? Let us consider these questions in more detail.

Where did the institution of marriage come from? To answer this question, we must go all the way back to the very beginning. “It is not good that the man should be alone” was God’s determination in the book of beginnings (Genesis). When God gave Adam the opportunity to choose a suitable companion, He knew that Adam would not find a bird, monkey or even “Man’s Best Friend” suitable. According to D. James Kennedy’s inspiring book Learning to Live with the People You Love, “Although Adam enjoyed the companionship of beautiful horses, lovable lions, and cuddly lambs, he did not have a suitable helper. None of the animals could meet Adam’s needs, so the Creator designed a completely new being for man.”

We learn that the woman was built from one of Adam’s ribs and thus, the two enjoyed a perfect oneness that no other couple will ever experience. “They were literally one flesh – made from the same body.” That sense of oneness can no longer be achieved physically; however, with hard work and commitment, there are times when it can be found emotionally and spiritually. That is the relationship we seek when we say “I Do” and the one that should be our desire throughout our married lives. Unfortunately, it is elusive.

How do Prince Charming and The Princess Bride become Mr. Hyde and The Wicked Witch of the West? Is it inevitable, or does it simply become a self-fulfilling prophecy? To learn the answers to these questions we must first determine what qualities we found attractive in our mates. What was it about them that stirred us to want to spend the rest of our lives with them? Generally, these qualities remain; however, they can be hidden by our efforts to “improve” our spouse (change them to fit our image of the perfect mate). During courtship we tend to overlook anything that our fiancé does that disturbs us, assuming that we can modify their behavior over time with indisputable logic. How incredibly naive. We don’t realize that they are trying to change our irritating behavior at the same time. Life would be so much more rewarding if we would try instead to modify our own behavior as requested and accept our mate as is, 100% without exception. This attitude change must be unconditional as our marriage vows are supposed to be. Nothing that our mate does or says must affect our heartfelt desire to be the very best, most loving, and considerate spouse we can be. Only then can that “honeymoon” feeling begin to be rekindled and oneness be revisited.

But what about the husband who refuses to put the cap on the toothpaste tube? He comes home from work or a business trip and fails to gush about the immaculate condition of his castle or the lovely improvements that were made while he was away. He leaves his clothes on the bedroom floor no matter how enticing the hamper looks. He attacks with words he later regrets and wants to solve your problems rather than acknowledge or empathize with your feelings. Not to mention the toilet seat! What about the wife who is never satisfied with anything you do for her around the house? The lawn doesn’t cut itself… She creeps on you using “Find My Phone” and has a never-ending list of things for you to do on the weekend. On the weekend! She belittles you to her sisters on the phone and won’t fix herself up. She waits until you get home from work then sends you back out for milk instead of asking you to pick it up on the way home. And it goes on and on… Why should we have to put up with all that?

Well, there are at least three very good reasons to do so; after all, when we really think about it, these irritants are quite trivial. Firstly, we must retain our integrity. When we were wed, we made a commitment something along the lines of “To love and to cherish/ obey, in good times and in bad, … until death do we part.” We made this promise before many friends and family members, as well as before God, because we wanted all to know how serious we were. This public vow is as strong a commitment as we can possibly make. After all, we didn’t say “…until mid-life crisis do us part,” or “…until the kids grow up do us part,” or “…until I don’t love you anymore do us part.” How can stock be placed in anything said by a person who fails to honor a vow so vehemently and publicly pledged.

Secondly, most of our cultural ills can be traced directly to the effect of broken homes and self-centered parents. Drug and alcohol abuse, teen suicide, rampant complacency, insecurity, a lack of commitment or personal conviction, delinquency, and a failure to understand the importance of civic responsibility are problems compounded by the fact that though the marriage rate for the period 1895 through 1990 remained relatively unchanged, the corresponding divorce rate went from .6 per 1,000 population to 4.7 per 1,000, an increase of over 783%. Not surprisingly, the most dramatic increase was during the period 1965 – 1975, the era of Free Love and President Johnson’s tragic Great Society policies. On the bright side, the more recent trend is positive with divorce rates going from 4 per 1,000 down to 2.5 per 1,000 during the period from 2000 to 2021. This is great news as our society can ill afford more broken homes.

Finally, the argument that a husband and wife should remain together for the sake of the children, however valid, has become easily rationalized away by the short-sighted justification that it is in the best interests of the children to live in an environment where their parents are not always fighting. Though divorce separates whole families, not just husband and wife, and there are many more people hurt by a divorce than simply the couple involved, it is the divorcee and the children who suffer the most. Yes, it’s true. Consider the kinds of extreme financial hardship single parents face. What about the pain of hearing one’s child decline a friend’s offer with the explanation that he must go to his father’s place this weekend. Terms like ex-husband and ex-wife are used. Name changes and resultant explanations, loneliness, court appearances, new stress at the workplace, guilt, self-pity, and the never-ending burden of having failed at marriage are also trials that tend to brown the greener grass on the other side of the fence. Therefore, stay together for your sake if for no one else’s. But also, for goodness sake, prioritize the children.

Do you cure a cold by cutting off your head? Of course not! If your marriage is sick it needs a remedy not a guillotine. The best cure for a hurting marriage is a stubborn determination to make it succeed by at least one marriage partner, and preferably, both. This commitment can most easily come from a heart that has shunned its natural self-centeredness and has embraced my favorite philosophy “Others First.” Putting feet to the desire to be the very best spouse and parent you can possibly be is a tremendous first step, and virtually all it takes. It may take two to break a marriage, but only one to fix it. Make a list of the things your spouse does that you appreciate and begin to show your appreciation in real ways regardless of your partner’s response. Ask questions like, “Can I get you anything, honey?” and “How can I help you, dear?” Find ways to better understand your loved one and you will begin to enjoy the personal fulfillment and joy that comes from selfless service to those around you.

A judge from New York City once gave the following instructions to jurors who were deciding a divorce case. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you should clearly understand that we have nothing to do with the religious or sacramental aspects of this marriage. We are only dealing with the laws of the State of New York. These people are bound together by God, and that bond is not to be touched by what we do here today. They will be as married in the sight of God when we finish our work as they were before we began. And many people fail to understand that fact.”

I’m not a marriage counselor. However, I would like to think that 40 years of experience gives me the right to be heard/read. Congratulations to those with important milestones in 2024 like us. To those of you who are no longer married by law, please accept my apology if I appear harsh, simplistic, naïve, or insensitive. I imagine yours was a very difficult and painful decision and it is not my place to judge anyone’s heart. Let’s keep the past in the past. To those of you struggling with “irreconcilable differences”, please consider my words. If you think I must have been easy to live with over the past 40 years, just ask Loretta. She’ll set you straight. May we all be committed in the future to personal growth and the goal of extending the positive recent trend by turning the tide of divorce one marriage at a time.

God Bless…