Anyone who knows me in real life will from the start find the notion of such a column coming from yours truly hilarious in theory alone, but I thought, in the name of creative non-fiction, I would give it a try this month. Without further adieu, here is a simple yet foolproof plan so you will not be lonely for the most romantic time of the year:

Step 1: Create a hyperlocal facebook group exclusively for and about Caroline County, then start showing up at area hearings, meetings, tours, restaurants and more representing and reporting back to its ever-growing membership.

Step 2. Post daily threads on this “Caroline Past and Present” group about local history, travel, politics, and anything else out there that is righteously provocative or at least interesting to area residents.

Step 3. Wait for the date offers to pour in.

Of course, your results may vary.

If you lack the time, resources, or intangibles to make this strategy work for you, might I suggest another path. This one is much more direct but assumes there is someone already on your radar:

Tell them how you feel!

That’s it. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Wait.

You might come off a little weird and make the situation awkward if that is what you lead with. Cold openings are often tough sledding, even in the February snow. You want cozy. Here’s cozy:

Comedy helps. Confidence too. If closing time is near and the lady next to you leans over to put her head on you just because there is a warm body sitting there at the bar, go with it. And when she remarks that you have a comfortable shoulder or chest, you tell her that your lips are comfortable too.

So do flowers, in the grand scheme of things, if the above-witnessed scenario is too 1990s Kent Island for you. You don’t need to spring for a dozen red roses right away. In fact, google the color range for roses and other floral arrangements for just the right situation. Yellow roses for a budding friendship. White roses when you miss that would-be special someone. Pink for admiration if you are bold. If not, daisies if you are more light-hearted with your demeanor or approach. White lilies to indicate sophistication. Irises if you want to stress thoughtfulness. Carnations rhyme with fascination.

I bet you never knew that side of Chad Dean existed. Horticulture and floriculture are both extensions of my farming background and multiple classes at the Caroline Career and Technology Center, I swear.

Guys: Every girl I know also likes chocolate-covered strawberries. Chocolate-covered chocolate. Chocolate-covered anything. Chocolate is a time-honored jumping off point. You can’t go wrong. Even diabetics and those with allergies make exceptions on special occasions. Bonus points if one or both of you are Ridgelyites; the dramatic strawberry gesture shows you care on myriad levels of consciousness.

Movies work too. If you get invited to Netflix a romantic title, or one that involves cats, or books, or all of the above, you suck it up and you watch that film. You pay attention the entire time. You say how much you enjoyed the nuances of the plot and characters and dialogue and setting. Trust the narrator on this; he is a perennially reliable one no matter where you jumped in on his timeline. I certainly would not have endeavored to watch The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society on my own.

You know what doesn’t work? One might proffer an unwavering dedication to Buffalo Wild Wings and a lifelong fascination with pro wrestling as instant dealbreakers, but then again, you never know until you reveal those aspects of your personality.

Tinder, that’s what. It has its loutish uses, to be fair — such as overtly advertising one’s status as single and looking. But establishing a meaningful relationship is not one of them. That is unless you want to “date” a webcam girl or a Russian courtesan as they drain your finances… slowly, and then all at once.

Hear me when I say that your goal should be a country girl that wants to sit next to you in the truck, not up against the passenger side window. A girl that wants to wear your camouflage shirt for a nightgown. Note to country girls: guys dig these things. More than they’ll ever be able to describe with words. There is a Jimmy Buffett song about “history machines, cavemen in faded blue jeans.” You get the idea.

Feel free to log on to Caroline Past and Present this month and share your good intentions, your pickup lines, your epic fails. Your dark web dating apps. Your fake profile detail victories. Your pithy Pinterest relationship quotes and memes. In a small county where we all pretty much know everyone else, we have probably already heard the stories, whether you mention who it is about or not, but we’ll all be entertained hearing them again anyway. It’s all in good fun. Heck, this online celebration of local relationship ups and downs may provide enough fodder for yet another wry Caroline Review column or at least make it to some arts council’s future masterclass storyboard.

In the meantime, best of luck on your cell phone or at the local bars and other haunts as Valentine’s Day approaches. With everything else that has happened over the past several years, there are far worse things in life to experience than rejection, so you might as well give it a go. You may be pleasantly surprised with the results.

I know I was, considering my advice actually worked. Meet my wife and family, pictured here.