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Well, my friends, as I’m sure you know by now, a week from Tuesday it becomes official: I shall be named your new king! Such a humble soul am I. I felt it only fair to let you, my soon-to-be loyal subjects, know what you can expect. Let’s get started!
At 12:01am on that first day, as you probably guessed, I will have road crews at the ready with dozers and excavators. Mission: the removal of all speed bumps, public and private. To prevent any further construction of such obstacles, anyone caught erecting such a device shall be sentenced to spending the rest of their natural life traveling only via Pogo stick.
As the sun rises on my first day, prepare for a fine ceremony at Dover Bridge as I rename it the George Jackson Bridge. George himself will be there, in all his glory, greeting drivers to Caroline County with a fresh, shiny purple-top turnip. You might ask, what of the Talbot side? There I shall station Governor Wes Moore, who will (with a smile on his face) clean your windshield. In case you are wondering, yes, you may tip George. You may NOT tip Mr. Moore, as I feel he already has enough of the taxpayers moolah.
Speaking of which, back not all that long ago our county taxpayers paid for a new Hunting Creek bridge, with the agreement that Dorchester County would then install a new bridge at Backlanding Road. In case you haven’t noticed, the only persons who could currently make it across are John Schneider and Tom Wopat. (Obscure reference: I would also accept “Byron Cherry and Christopher Mayer.” Anyone who gets that reference receives an extra turnip from George.) Now, Sheriff Baker does a fine job but, sad to say, any attempt by him to get through will instead find his patrol car nose down in the marsh. “Goo-goo-goo-goo!” Anyway. I will, of course, have the Dorchester County Commissioners replace this bridge. No, I mean, personally. With hammers and nails, they will replace it. I haven’t studied this, but I believe their names are Bud Hurley, Lem Bramble, Delmar Foxwell, Tom “Sonny” Willey and, of course, Bud “Sonny” Hurley-Foxwell. I could, of course, be wrong. Regardless, as added insult to having to build us this bridge, they will have to do so with products of Reliance Treated Wood of beautiful Caroline County. I’m sure they will complain about the expense; I offer that, for every pint of blood taken by the mosquitoes of Dorchester, they could enact a tax of 10 cents. In no time they will have the lumber and nails paid for.
Another thing I’ll have high on my agenda: you’ve heard, of course, of “fake news.” For me, the real problem is “fake names” as in business names. Names that make no sense and have no character. Take, for example, “Dunkin.” No, no, no. Will not do. I mean, what is that, anyhow? No. Starting on my first day, as punishment for this terrible name, the corporation must (at their own expense) convert all locations to just what God intended them to be: a Mister Donut! And they better darned sure bring back that raspberry jelly donut that I so loved years ago. Next stop will be a longtime pet peeve of mine, “Verizon.” You mean somebody paid to come up with that? For them, they must rename themselves “The Great Alexander Graham Bell Telephone Corporation of the United States of America.” They must also return to 100% American-based call centers who must, with each call, identify themselves as being from...go back and read the company name! Now, you’ll have to wait for what I’m going to do to Comcast, or Xfinity, or whatever they’re calling themselves this week. Oh, you just wait…
So, yes, things will be busy around here. Yes, I shall be a fair and just king. Remember, though, that anyone attempting to overthrow me will be sentenced to something so severe, so terrible, that I almost dare not speak it here. Almost. They shall be sentenced, for the rest of their natural days, to trying to make a left turn onto 404 off of Andersontown Road. Shudder!
