'Let’s Talk About It'

After more than forty years of working with survivors of domestic violence, there is one thing I wish everyone understood: domestic violence is not about anger. It is not caused by a bad day at work, financial stress, alcohol, drugs, or a short temper.  At its core, domestic violence is about power and control.

Over the years, I have heard countless survivors ask the same heartbreaking question: "Why is this happening?" Many were told by their abusers that if they stopped doing certain things, the abuse would end. They were blamed for arguments, criticized for everyday decisions, and made to believe they were somehow responsible for another person's behavior.  The reality is very different.

Abuse is a deliberate choice. It is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain control over another person. It does not happen because someone loses control. It happens because someone wants control.  Most people recognize physical violence. Pushing, shoving, hitting, punching, kicking, and grabbing are obvious forms of abuse. But physical violence is often only one part of a much larger pattern.

Many survivors tell us that the emotional abuse was just as damaging, and sometimes even harder to heal from. Constant criticism, humiliation, insults, and belittling comments slowly chip away at a person's confidence and sense of self-worth. Over time, victims may begin to question their own judgment and even their own reality.

Fear is another powerful tool. Abusers often use intimidation to keep victims on edge. Sometimes it is a threatening look, a slammed door, or destruction of property. The message is clear: "You should be afraid."

Children are frequently caught in the middle. Some abusers use children to deliver messages, make victims feel guilty, or create conflict through visitation and custody arrangements. The goal is not parenting. The goal is control.  

Threats are also common. An abuser may threaten to take the children, hurt a loved one, damage property, or even harm themselves. These threats are designed to keep victims trapped and afraid to leave.

Financial control can be equally devastating. Some victims are denied access to money, prevented from working, or forced to account for every dollar they spend. Without financial independence, leaving can feel impossible.

Today, technology has created new ways for abusers to maintain control. Phones, social media accounts, GPS tracking, cameras, and other digital tools can be used to stalk, harass, monitor, or impersonate victims. Technology abuse has become increasingly common and can make survivors feel as though they are never truly safe.

Isolation is another tactic we see regularly. An abuser may control who a victim sees, where they go, who they talk to, or what activities they participate in. Little by little, support systems disappear, leaving victims feeling alone and dependent.

One of the most widely recognized tools for understanding these behaviors is the Power and Control Wheel, developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. The wheel illustrates the many tactics abusers use to maintain dominance in a relationship. Physical and sexual violence often form the outer ring, while intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, economic abuse, threats, using children, and other controlling behaviors work together to keep the cycle in motion.

The wheel helps explain something survivors have known all along: domestic violence is rarely about a single incident. It is about a pattern of behaviors designed to create fear, dependence, and control.

If you are experiencing abuse, or if someone you know may be living in fear, please remember this: you are not alone, and help is available. At Mid-Shore Council on Family Violence, we provide support, safety planning, shelter services, legal representation, and hope for individuals and their families throughout the eastern shore. No one deserves to live in fear.

Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous. Someone is available to listen and help, day or night. Call the 24-hour hotline 800-927-4673.

Let's keep talking about it. Awareness is often the first step toward safety, healing, and change.